To the class of 2020... don’t buy The Sun, scream

Unfortunately, I was forced to write a parody.

People of the class of 2020…

Don’t buy The Sun… scream.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, not buying The Sun would be it. The long term benefits of not reading The Sun have been proved by scientists.
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own slogging through the shit-filled trench of British media for the past 15 years.

Enjoy your youth. Ignore old columnists who write scare stories about your generation. In 20 years time, you’ll look back and wonder why those desiccated and demented old fuckers ever got away with writing what they did from under byline photos that were so out-of-date.

Do worry about the future and protest.
Protesting is effective and worrying is sensible since the governments the newspaper barons help install are about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
Real troubles are here and they are happening now. The columnists who tell you not to worry are really just trying to protect their wealth, their jobs and their cosy lives.

Do one thing every day that would scare Rupert Murdoch.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.
Don’t put up with columnists who stamp all over yours. Buying avocados has no relation to whether you can buy your own home.

Be jealous. Be angry. Be active.
You’re almost always behind because the system is rigged.
The race is long and it’s not just with yourself, it’s against bastards who would sell their own mothers and — at least some of whom — are willing to be cuckolded by the Prime Minister to keep their access to the shower of bastards in power.

Keep your old screenshots. Throw away The Sun.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
Brendan O’Neill, Rod Liddle and Allison Pearson all managed to get jobs.

Maybe you’ll marry and columnists will sneer at you.
Maybe you’ll have children and columnists will sneer at you.
Maybe you’ll divorce and columnists will sneer at you.

Whatever you do congratulate yourself that you’ve never written a column as unfunny as something by Matt Chorley.

Do not read the Spectator magazine, it will only make you feel racist.

Don’t respect your elders if they don’t respect you.
Columnists usually have a trust fund, a rich parent, and/or a public school background.

… and trust me, don’t buy The Sun… scream.

With apologies to Mary Schmich and Baz Luhrmann. Here’s the original: