The Vampire Graveyard

Old monsters emerge from their political graves and the British press suggests that Labour is New once more.

Previously: Hot mic action.
Gillian Keegan got caught running her mouth while ITV's mic was still on and now Tories (and their outriders) are whining.

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If reports from the time are to be believed, 17th-century Poland was awash in revenants — not vampires, exactly, but proto-zombies who harassed the living by drinking their blood or, less disagreeably, stirring up a ruckus in their homes. 

In one account, from 1674, a dead man rose from his tomb to assault his relatives; when his grave was opened, the corpse was unnaturally preserved and bore traces of fresh blood.

— Undying Dread: A 400-Year-Old Corpse, Locked to Its Grave,
The New York Times, Sept. 5, 2023

When Keir Starmer put the final touches to his shadow cabinet reshuffle over the summer recess, his thoughts were not just on who would help propel Labour into government at the next election, but who could run the country if they are successful.

His top team now includes three MPs who served in the last Labour cabinet – Ed Miliband, Yvette Cooper and Hilary Benn – at least four who were ministers under Tony Blair or Gordon Brown and three, including self-proclaimed Blairites Peter Kyle and Liz Kendall, who were special advisers.

— Starmer promotes Blairites as Labour thoughts turn to governing, The Guardian, Sept. 4, 2023

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A vampire graveyard has been disinterred. And beyond the further influx of Blairites into Keir Starmer’s shadow cabinet, archaeologists in Poland have found some creepy things. Still, sources say none of them are horrifying as Labour eminence grease (subs to check) and former Jeffrey Epstein personal shopper Peter Mandelson.

As ‘Labour prepares for government’ (pace every political commentator in the UK), the cobwebs are being brushed off every figure from its last period in government, up to and including Tony Blair himself, who appears grinning at events with Starmer and offers ever more ‘rare’ interventions on policy. The press assures us that this is not a sign of a sclerotic party in the grip of a D:Ream soundtracked nostalgia psychosis, but evidence of the ‘competence’ of Starmer and chums.

In The Telegraph, Tim Stanley — one eye trained on builders who might mock his bowtie or deliver yet another wedgie — sounds positively gleeful:

I have picked these people, said Starmer, for their “talent”, “commitment” and “hunger to win”. Not for their socialism. The only red in this shadow cabinet was Angela Rayner’s hair. This party is triangulating to the right so fast that it will soon pass Liz Truss to form the most conservative government since Maggie Thatcher. I’m convinced of it. 

There’s no money, so they’ll have to flog off the NHS and water down net-zero, and Liz Kendall absolutely hates the poor, so anyone on benefits will be forced to get a job. 

I can see a few Tory dinosaurs leafleting for Labour in Mid Bedfordshire, convinced that electing Keir Starmer is the only way we’ll ever stop the boats. 

Meanwhile, for The Times, the bad Ian Martin — the good one wrote the best swearing in The Thick Of It — takes the same line with an unbearable po-faced seriousness wrapped in the greasy pastry of smugness:

If Blairism means a respect for the market system and public sector reform then it is still highly relevant. Thank goodness Labour is assuming a more moderate position four years after trying to make Jeremy Corbyn prime minister. But this time if Labour gets into government it needs to embrace what is coming in an entirely different spirit from the media management obsession of the Blair era. The party should begin by cheering up about its prospects and what it might achieve.

With voter expectations so low and politics so discredited, Labour has a great opportunity, not only to win the general election but to make meaningful progress on some of the biggest challenges facing the country. In several of the main public policy areas where there are problems, an incoming Labour government stands an exceptionally good chance of getting something done.

When Martin says “getting something done”, he means Tory policies wrapped in a red flag so thin that it’s practically transparent. Consider his list of hopes for the Starmer era of competent mediocrity:

When it comes to housebuilding and the property crisis afflicting the young, Labour will be able to unleash private sector construction on a vast scale to get new homes built. They can scrap the planning rules. The Tories cannot do this, not because many of their key figures don’t want to but because the voters in core Tory seats in the south of England won’t let them.

Labour will sanction masses of building, carpeting much of the southeast in concrete, and much of it will be in Tory seats where voters are now flirting with the Liberal Democrats. Building will not only increase the supply of housing, it will obviously spur economic growth.

Yeah, who needs trees anyway? When Labour promised a huge plan for tree planting alongside a costed strategy to build 1 million homes a year in its 2019 manifesto, commentators sneered so hard their facial muscles have never recovered. But the notion of “carpeting much of the southeast in concrete” gives Ian his most reliable stauner since he last popped a Blue Chew.

But he’s just warming up; it’s the prospect of further NHS privatisation that really excites him. If he’d had to file the next paragraph on paper, the subs would have had to put it under the hand dryer in the toilets before they could read it:

On the NHS, Labour can get away with the reforms required in a way the Tories can’t. The NHS behemoth is now scheduled to get even bigger, with a huge increase coming in staff under the NHS England workforce plan. The number of workers will go from nearly 1.5 million in 2021-22 to an incredible 2.3 million or 2.4 million by 2036-37. According to the Institute for Fiscal Studies, by that point almost half of public sector workers will be employed by the NHS.

The demands of an ageing population are so large that the only answer if we want sufficient funds left for other public services is to try to make the NHS more productive. That means using the private sector to drive efficiency.

The shadow health secretary, Wes Streeting, has started well by annoying the health trade unions with talk of raising standards and reforming the NHS. He and Starmer seem determined to view this from the perspective of patient interests rather than producers’. Let’s see if they can stick with it. 

There it is again — the only real policy of the right in the 21st century: owning the libs. “Wes Streeting has started well by annoying the health trade unions”… and making all the right noises to please donors with interests in private healthcare.

Martin’s conclusion explains why Starmer and the malfunctioning robot Shadow Chancellor have bent themselves pretzel-like to reassure ‘the city’, ‘business’ and every other grey-suited arsehole they can find that they will do nothing on tax:

This is the case for Labour optimism. What could go wrong? A lot, obviously. Beyond the risks of a global downturn, which Labour cannot control, Starmer could himself squander the great opportunity history has presented. The biggest risk is if Labour screws up Britain’s tax base with wealth taxes or alienates business.

… A key Thatcherite insight adopted by New Labour was that wealth is mobile and can leave, so must be persuaded to stay. Does Starmer understand this crucial lesson? We are about to find out.

From Rupert Murdoch’s brain to Ian Martin’s mouth.

When I criticise Starmer and his shadow cabinet, another form of the undead comes shambling towards me — a zombie horde that moans, “Oh, I suppose you just want another Tory government then!” No. I just don’t want the reanimated revenants from the Blairite vampire graveyard offering up 1990s solutions to 2023’s problems.

It’s not wrong for voters to demand more from an opposition than an endless mantra of “we’re not the Tories”. No one is entitled to your vote; they have to win it. Right now, Starmer has only convinced me that he doesn’t offer me, my friends, or my family a stake in the future while making me think I should have a stake in my hand and some holy water as backup.

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