The '22 scumback special
Six weeks after Boris Johnson left Downing Street, the press and media are once again obsessed by him... and endless spreadsheets.
Previously: Trapped in an exhibition match
Truss' collapse looks like an open goal for Labour but reading the press reveals otherwise.
The first winners of Liz Truss’ calamitous premiership were the editors of The Daily Star; they managed to persuade Americans that they’re Britain’s foremost political satirists with the help of a webcam and a head of lettuce. Like most of the British people who fall for the paper’s comedy front pages, the American hacks who wrote excitedly about the stunt have never cracked open a copy of the Star. If they had they would find such journalistic little gems as these from yesterday’s edition:
Kerry in ‘spa trip sex fest’
Jog ban for pervert dwarf
Staff at Reach, the Star’s parent company, went out on strike in August over pay and conditions. The company only avoided a second period of industrial action in September thanks to the convenient death of the Queen. Reach CEO, Jim Mullen, has a compensation package worth £4 million a year, equivalent to the earnings of 117 of the company’s lowest-paid staff. That’s a much less funny punchline.
Meanwhile, the joke that is the British political system may reach for a call back with the return of Boris Johnson as Prime Minister looking possible just six weeks after he left Downing Street. While plenty of commentators are hedging their bets and staring at spreadsheets, some are already trying the ‘well, Boris wasn’t so bad, was he?’ line.
Over at Johnson’s once-and-future home, The Daily Telegraph, Judith Woods writes
By the way, when did “moderate” become a dirty word? And why? Back in the day Boris Johnson for all his faults (remind me again; were they really so very bad?) came across as a human being. A deeply-flawed one, admittedly, but a human being nonetheless, even if he did go jogging in swimming shorts and dress shoes.
Last night, the BBC bumped the artist Cornelia Parker — who had wanted to use her appearance to talk about the poisoning of Britain’s waterways — at the last minute in favour of LBC host and professional sister of Boris Johnson, Rachel Johnson. The idea of the second coming of ‘BoJo’ makes editors and producers salivate, it’s a story.
Yesterday illustrated how unreliable the predictions of the ‘professionals’ can be; at 9.48 am, The Daily Telegraph’s Associate Editor (Politics), inveterate Royal Yacht shagger Christopher ‘Chopper’ Hope published a story headlined Why you shouldn't write off Liz Truss just yet. At 1.30 pm, Liz Truss resigned. By 2.43, The Times’ Political Editor, Steven Swinford, was first to report that Boris Johnson intended to stand.
The Daily Mail which pushed Truss relentlessly throughout the summer leadership contest now pretends she was the political equivalent of a national disaster, a terrible event that it witnessed rather than a storm it had a hand in creating like some mad scientist with a weather machine.
In January 2022, Andrew Roberts told Mail on Sunday readers “many PMs have triumphed after being in the Last Chance Saloon,” begging for Boris Johnson’s umpteenth second chance. On 6 September 2022, the Daily Mail’s leader column said, "the Tory Party is in the last-chance saloon” and demanded that Tory MPs should “unite behind Liz Truss”. Today, the same leader column screams Tories are now drinking in the last chance saloon.
Now we have Henry Deedes chuckling that Truss will be “a pub quiz question” and Jason Groves, author of the At last! A TRUE Tory Budget (published 27 days ago), writing a Downfall remake with her awake all night and sending 4am texts to friends (“Nein! Nein! Nein! Field Marshall Keitel has left me on read again!”)
The Mail’s latest leader contains its argument for Boris Johnson to be restored…
As this paper has said many times, the party made a tragic error in toppling Boris Johnson. For all his flaws, he was unique in modern British politics – a man capable of reaching people who were not of his party through his optimism, energy and vision.
Birthday cake during lockdown and failing to get a grip on the Chris Pincher affair seem very small beer indeed in comparison with the economic chaos and political chicanery the country has been plunged into since his departure.
If he can be persuaded to stand in the leadership contest, it would send a shiver of fear down Sir Keir Starmer's spine.
… and Sarah Vine — in a column that gives Liz Truss a kicking on behalf of her ex-husband — follows the company line:
… if, as some are suggesting, Boris Johnson decides to make a return to the fray, it may yet be possible to restore some semblance of respect beyond the confines of Westminster. After all, he actually has a mandate from the British people — and a resounding one at that.
The Sun’s leader column sneaks in the same line:
Boris was brilliant at reaching parts of the UK no other Tory could — and it is no surprise he feels he has unfinished business and is eyeing another tilt at No10 (if enough MPs will support him).
He may be flawed — but he is a fantastic communicator who got right all the big calls on Brexit, Covid vaccines and Ukraine.
“He got the big calls right…” Brexit, ongoing economic chaos he helped deliver with a series of vaudevillian lies; Covid — 200,000 dead; Ukraine: a war he treated like a sitcom where he could make regular appearances as a guest star, dropping by with his familiar catchphrases. A man rushing back from his fourth holiday of the year will be painted as the saviour of people trapped in the coldest circumstances.
It’s a game and both sides are playing it. As Keir Starmer does his disappointed head teacher act and Alastair Campell — Alastair Campbell! — calls for us to take to the streets, the media are pulling out their Excel spreadsheets and rubbing their hands, delighted to be able to gabble about “runners and riders” again. It’s an environment in which drink-driving enthusiast and world’s strongest argument for nominative determinism, Paul Staines is again being treated as a reliable source.
If Boris Johnson starts to get the numbers this weekend, the usual columnists and commentators will row in behind him. Tactical amnesia is the British press’ most common affliction and you can expect to see an epidemic of it. The final paragraph of Camilla Tominey’s Telegraph piece today…
If he can convince colleagues that he can not only win his own seat back - but theirs too, then the self-appointed "world king" may be poised to become the king of all comebacks.
… will cascade across the papers, with all the same old lies and cliches about the columnist Prime Minister revived, refreshed, and repackaged.
Unlike most, I really hope my predictions are wrong.
Thanks for reading.
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From the archive:
Lying for fun and profit:
Boris Johnson’s journalism advice was predictably disgusting
Good column. There's probably a matching piece for all the other press and TV hacks who've quietly rowed in behind Sunak. Over the last couple of days I've read and heard dozens and dozens of mentions on his correctly noting (in the context of a campaign against her) Truss's basic economic illiteracy. I've heard total radio silence on:
- Sunak's Covid fine
- His holding a Green Card whilst being an MP
- His long support of Boris Johnson
- Eat Out to Infect All
and sundry other exciting adventures
It's not as bruising and obvious as the insane 'Boris boosting' but it's yet another example of the media trying to manage politics rather than report on it.
The idea of Johnson's possible return fills me with such anger. He lost the confidence of the country and party just three months ago. Has all that really been forgotten and forgiven?
The only silver lining could be that the Tories would split. But they know how to cling to power, so that prospect is improbable.